Somehow I managed to salvage it on the basis we should still go as we both needed to eat. We have all been there. But I told him I now did not want to R and have accepted we will not make it, but that now we still need to get some framework around the deconstruction of the situation. There is a small chance that in time I will come to see it positively as I will never be the same, but maybe thats a good thing. I would have been off that roller coaster much sooner. Usually, someone checked out of the marriage years ago. But to cause that to happen to you and your livelihood well IMO that is wrong and he is a coward. But I just know hes got to be thinking What have I done? Im not trying to give you false hope but I really dont feel this is over for him. All of his siblings, save one, had cut ties with this bitter and hateful woman, my great grandmother. No I disagree with your brothers assessment but I understand where people get this crap. The thing that makes me believe it was, at least partially, a MLC is this: she kept saying things like when is going to be my turn to do what I want and its time for my happiness and other things to that affect. You lose that, you lose everything. Letting the affair play out. I think back to my first D-day. In my view you are acting with disregard and disrespect for me and that now makes me very uncomfortable posting here. Well they are about to become mine, so he wont have anything and they will need to start again. FIL had a meeting with my own father today, as my Dad was getting so worried and also thought he could press the FIL (they know each other well) to see if some sort of R can happen. This is exactly what happened to me. He has to ride that. Yes to all of them. I got him to acknowledge something that was really important related to the finances that he had been clearly acting very defensive about and lying, and in doing so, he acknowledged power I hold over him. Smart girl. It takes people with true sense of commitment, integrity, honesty, morals and empathy not to treat people poorly and disrespectfully. What I havent revealed before is that OW works in the same industry with a particular qualification that could be very useful and so was particularly motivated to unseat me as half owner. Very smart, to play dumb. Here is a thought and i have noticed this with my son and sibling. They just allow the marriage to go along on auto-pilot. Totally personal decision but given ALL we have endured I would not pass judgment on any one for their behavior or choices after infidelity invades their life. Im most def NOT a doctor or a psychologist!! Thats what we all battle with and have to decide upon. Even offensive OW who come here occasionally to spout their agenda. She was too hurtful. How good is it TryingHard?! Although, a wife never wants to be seen as mommy either because then a husband has a hard time viewing her as a lover and that causes a whole other set of problems. TFWI dont know if Ive ever felt strong when I was grieving. And her coming over today was covered in suspect motives, to cover up for her duplicitousness, and create the false narrative that she was in the dark too. I think puzzled perhaps mentioning it taking over a year before his W said she wanted him. Crickets. You owe it to your M to at least try. And doesnt know what to do. But that might be a bit too Eat, Pray Love LOL Hey, wasnt Elizabeth Gilbert a cheater? If he wants out that fast you may be able to negotiate a better settlement for you. The spark and love are back. Its always the irony of a vacay that it is lots of work to get away and lots more to come back! His father is in his ear. Such is the price of dishonesty had he come to me and said he was unhappy Id be much more amenable to a different process and a different financial outcome. For me it was a train wreck and my ex was behind the wheel. Your H does sound very remorseful though Convoluted I know. Something to consider through this: no matter the outcome of your marriage, this is a chance for a new beginning. Physically sick. This is their problem, not ours. Now she is desperately seeking a male companion to cure her loneliness. And I will say this strait up. He always came home when I texted him that dinner was ready. Take care of you first. So, what do you do with this new information? So in THs story there was a huge turnaround. Talk about it not be a coward about it. I got a hug that had about as much warmth as a shipping container. Melatonin is now on my shopping list. We never took those wedding vows seriously and we could all have a good belly laugh over a few cases of beer about it if we ever thought GoldenCHild did.. Projection much?? I like the Robert Frost line Im still here trying to do the right thing. there was no him working through it. It helps to hear about your MIL story. In trying to rationalize his A my husband told me about a week before he asked for a D that a lot of guys would want to date me b/c I still look young and am in great shape. So your only choice is to let your lawyer do your talking. You need to start helping/taking care of you. And yes I cried every day for years over this whole thing. Protect yourself. No one would. You dont need to provide entertainment for them. Namely, they do it because they can. I will not go to IC either. Its almost like Im split into two people. when you are beaten, But it sure felt great at the time. I am still wary but for the first time, I actually felt some truth in the statement and I watched him and tried to feel what he was saying rather than listen to the verbal word salad. So be realized his behavior was wrong and stopped the A (I actually think she ended it). That is until the time was right for them. So he is mad at himself b/c he is not in control BUT he is blaming you. She had hardened her heart and closed herself off from me. We all have the opportunity to say NO THIS IS WRONG! & walk away. In fact I had lawyers coming up to ME and reassuring me I was the one with all the balls in my court. Whenever the convo came around to divorce and he would reassure me he would take care of me I would literally say oh my darling you dont need to worry about me being taken care of. Other times I wonder if I was projecting all my own values onto him. Theses are called boundaries. I was not controlling either. Not perfect but at least trying. Anyway that was kinda the beginning of having real talks but there was a whole lot more to go thru. And the same would be true for my H. So he is on a different learning curve to me obviously. Divorce is the finality of the marriage. We started MC the first of June but he was still lying and fence sitting. Meanest thing that ever happened in my life and Ive done stuff and been in predicaments but nothing like this, can hardly talk to new women. Yes you do have a long road ahead of you but remember it was his behavior that was Less than, not yours. Satori With Julia Roberts, Richard Gere, Joan Cusack, Hector Elizondo. In other words, I dont stand up and say My name is SI and my husband had an affair) Tempting at times but no..I havent done that. If you think he is trying to formulate a better strategy well that is why you have an accountant and lawyer and counselor and your dad and family. Just trying to make you aware of the next chapter. They changed the law in 1975. There is no respect if the affair is still in going. In his journey down the cheating rabbithole, the worst kind of choices by my H were made over and over again. I too gave up hope but 4 years later we are still R and Happy. Its been terrible. He literally flaunted it in my face that he had feelings for the OW. But I hear you LOL. He begged me to stay and I said I would give him a chance but played hard ball. A lot of dancing. Seriously. The point that I hope you understand: we have all suffered through this crap called an affair. Who knows. She had to petition Doug and Linda like a little tattle tale third grader!! Interesting you were also told you were codep. I dont think she will ever understand how badly it hurt me. Some faster than others but its a liberating moment. I have been given legal advice that I can obtain a court injunction here in Aus that will prevent her from contacting my H (even though she is in the States) on the basis that she is interfering in my marriage. I hope everyone is well and the lunar eclipse of yesterday is bringing peace. Ive told him we need to meet today and do this (financial release) together. I hope you find it helpful. The witching hour. And the sooner we stop trying to untangle their fuckupedness the faster we heal. Not returning. Again, I dont know. Do you think it is too soon for this or will it shock him into comprehension of what is at stake? To the wider friends and in-laws: part of the shame stems from the fact that the runaways seem very adept at putting out the smear campaign that says a BS was controlling and abusive and that theyd been soooo unhappy. GGGRRRR shes messing with the wrong grandmother here and shes lucky I didnt rip into her for that one!!! Now, while in some cases spouses have a strong gut feeling, this is generally not the case with runaway spouses. I feel terrible for these husbands because in most cases nothing can be done. He is completely unpredictable. Masks. He has a lot more respect for me now I straightened him out on the Facts of Life: a.k.a The Cheaters Manual. That was when H told me I was so addictive *smh*. The person sitting on the tracks sees a clear horizon and believes it is safe to be parked in that spot since there is not train coming along. They act out, having multiple affairs, mistresses, girlfriends, boyfriends, secretly on the side. And even at this early stage for me, I can truly see that losing partners even to another life they want and become a person who is still going to be in this life (just not in my life), is a life sentence of sorts. Hope is double-edged, false hope can set you on a collision course with despair. Im not one to use a lot of foul language in my life but we need a safe place to vent and sometimes that includes language. Trying Hard The fact he sent the nice text after her visit leads me to believe she encouraged him to R. Hes in the fence, hes ambivalent about R. Theres lots here about ambivalence. I am not the addict, my H is. Staying calm and one day at a time etc. 2. But DDay2 when I found out he had been seeing her for the last 6 months AND the OW really was the reason he wanted a divorce, well he saw a side of me he wished he had not. I would also suggest, if you are interested in learning about narcissism and sociopathy, are the books In Sheeps Clothing and The Sociopath Next Door. The masks slip and reality sets in. I bet almost every BS has heard this. We had a great life I thought everyone around us is totally shocked dumbfounded is a common word I get when people find out. Business first. The toddler thing, for sure. But even in my lucid moments, I am still shocked to my core at how I came to be here. And that is what cheating does it sucks all the joy and life out of the BS. Because I dont believe and have experienced that grief is indeed NOT linear. For his part, H is avoiding me and even pretended to move to another area when he is still living down the road. Ive been making a healing list with those sorts of affirmations and it is so helpful for those moments when you regress into the downward spiral of the what ifs. My doctor was amazing he was right onto it. And yes, no red flags except during and just prior to the affairs, which I did not recognize either. After one encounter he actually put his hand out to shake my hand as we were parting!!! So how about go away for the weekend. People think the spouse is responsible for their happiness. Puzzled, TryingHard, ShiftingImpressions. But Im going to make that my daily mantra! My husband as many here refused counseling. The kids werent up yet (luckily). I think TryingHard was in this position with a son herself. You need some kind of court injunction to allow you to continue your business without him. My H refused any counseling but did everything else. Underpinning it is a worrying trend to blame, excuse, deny. Get some perspective. You can almost see my H thinking of how he is going to show me. I want to comment on the choosing better next time thread. But there is going to be an end to the pain just not as soon as we want it. Whereas if he can deflect it all onto why Im such a terrible person then he can justify the A and avoid the Cheater label and thus the harsher judgment of those whose opinion really matters: Mommy and Daddy. More emotional hoarding under that rug that already has a mountain of shit under it. What the hell?! Im bummed. I told him: H, this all might seem like a slow moving glacier, but it will pick up speed and inevitably become a large and fast moving snowball that could mow you down. (Ok I mixed my metaphors here but you get my drift!) He could hive and should have handled this situation much better. But slowly, very slowly, things changed. Id be documenting everything to show to the courts. The hurt is complete. The daily mission is to keep on top of my emotions. By inviting a third party in to our M, he trashed a sacred space that we spent many years creating. If he had come back early on and made some instant changes and effort, then it might be another story but the serious damage has been done. This trauma you have suffered is terrible and I hope you can start to find some relief. Ever. Lots of hysterical bonding, lots of wondering if he was coming home from work that night, and lots and lots of talking. His choice. And the state where I live holds me half owner of everything brought into the marriage. Hed learned his lesson and I mine. Not sure how but she does. I just feel helpless. Since my circle of trust is so small he has no info about me at all, so he is coming over to take the temperature. Some people dont want saving and thats their experience. Anyhow, thanks again for the perspective TFW. And then boom, he came back a couple hours later and I finally saw the real him willing to have a reasonable and normal discussion. OAR = Ownership / Accountability / Responsibility > above the line thinking He admitted her number was back in his phone again (after twice deleting it in front of me saying the A had ended) that she was still calling him, admitted it was probably still an affair. In many affairs, the wayward spouse never leaves the house for long if he or she leaves at all. Lots of people call their spouses behavior an MLC as though well that is much different than all the other garden variety cheaters. I would tell myself that I didnt have to have all the answers.that it was okay to not know. This was and is the one safe place where we could pour that grief out. He wouldnt be the first person to return to the M after being separated. Not in a million years. Its all about control. Honestly it feels unsurvivable but you guys are all proof that this terrible thing can be borne and offer the hope that R is possible. SatoriBwahaha yes indeed he has the crap client!!! Its lack of character at any age. So has your family. I said really 36 years and I get a handshake? Focus on you. She would just politely detach. He was shaking thinking I was going to dump him and end our M b/c of it. I thought it would get better but when it was clear that it wasnt, I had to act. I was going NC. It looks like Im going to have to mother this all the way. Gods justice is not the same as mans justice. Im still so early on this learning curve. According to the BBC, Jennifer Wilbanks sold the media rights to her story to a New York City company for $500,000. I did it twice and traveling alone is great for soul searching and putting into perspective you will be just fine without him! If hes intent on getting his share, then ask him what he thinks his 50% is worth. Why? When I hung on the Cross, you were on my mind. I will never excuse her actions towards me. TFW I do not understand Hs current motivations but TryingHard & TheFirstWife assure me he is textbook CS. Ive stopped doing lots of stuff like that that has gone largely unappreciated. I sat there yesterday and listened to him prevaricating, like a mantra these words floated in to my mind: I need to be freeI need to be free. They did hurt us and it never happens, or seldom, once. No fixing Ive never held back and Im not going to now. Grief is NOT something that can be rushed. Of course he had no answer. Walking away from M I cant say it enough.take care of you. OMG. Hope you are all well and happy. And, I feel (in my case) it was a total disrespect too. Boundaries are a good thing in all of our relationships. That is the truth!! If you do think R is in the table then reach out again to meet. There is no rose colour in my vision at this point. Pushed him away. Becsuse to watch what he put me through (looking back) was horrific. Hope you had a nice break TH. Satori- My wife made no effort in making things better, at least early on. So his OW was a needy drama queen covered in tattoos lots of issues and track record of bad relationships. So its to and fro, back and forth, confusion, mercurial. Or at the first sign of challenges or issues that are being faced will he bolt?. Change the PW on your joint accounts OR take money out and put it in an account in your name. He told me he is moving to a new apartment next week. ???? Yeah a few games came into play. And he drive me back home. Forewarned forearmed right! I don;t know if I have managed things any better. Like divulging income and submitting to his requests and maybe even a little restraining order that he can never enter the residence when you arent there! They are banding together to sanitise this whole thing to make my H the victim and throwing me under the bus. Weve grown apart I have been able to piece this together from what he and his sister have told me. About the distancing I am getting very worn out / down with it all. God loves you with all of His heart. They needed to see me living this way every day. It will get better. I just sat in it for a whole day as it was the only place I felt safe. Other brides flee at the last minute because they have a commitment phobia. Yes. Ive been the glue in family relationships. So now I stay out of it. I guess he saw that I was at the point of frustration that hed never seen. My H spewed forth all kinds of reasons why. No warning, no conversations , nope he was going to leave me to be with her. Through tears, H said he needed ten minutes. The past and their BS are simple casualties of their selfish egos. I wasnt any of those things. Just wondering how to enforce boundaries while not feeling like I will go insane. Me: Silence. Re Christmas and the holidays. So, knowing all this, Im going to use seeing H as an opportunity to show him that Im moving on rather than let him manipulate the situation / me for his own agenda. Just shrugged and feigned disinterest. He said at the moment I have to try and fight my feelings of fear and try to recallibrate in favor of feeling calm and strong to counter it. I swear to God my dog vastly improves my life and my mood. I think it is hurtful and so excruciatingly painful to hear your mate no longer lives you or wants to be with you. Any funeral mention by him is just words. It was like dealing with a seven year old. Thats my greatest fear. So if D does occur you can look back and feel you did your best and you will have no regrets. Its code for bitch. I cant explain the humiliation. This is still very new and raw for you. Wow!!! The 'Runaway Bride' Jennifer Wilbanks Got Married and Is Now Divorced Jennifer Wilbanks and her husband, Greg Hutson, split in April after 11 years together By Steve Helling Published on August. This is a bigger decision than saying yes when your husband proposed. So you think this has something to do with communication styles? And getting back the self-respect is the first step toward them reconnecting with us emotionally. They have sat on their hands and said nothing or worse perpetuated it by accepting my Hs lies and false narratives without verifying mine. Especially not when we are putting on our big girl and big boy panties gearing up for war. Picture (very) cold feet stuck out of a snowball. Its maddening! And no business can risk having an uninterested party involved for a year. My h has always believed hes smarter than me. I thought Id read that about Elizabeth Gilbert somewhere. You see if he went to MC he would have to fess up everything. 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Margaret Marie Bundrum Bragg Obituary, Articles R